Just about everybody knows one. Whether it’s the neckbeard at the comic book store or the pre-teen down the street who smells like cheese, most of us have fairly immediate access to a nerd. But, just being aware of his existence isn’t going to get your printer fixed or make Outlook 2010′s dumb ass just work already. Nope, you’re going to have to seek nerdy assistance. Here’s how to do it without evoking the nerd’s special combination condescension-plus-annoyance cocktail. For the purposes of this discussion, we’re going to be talking about computer nerds — but the applicability will be fairly universal.
When approaching your awkward would-be savior, it’s important that you come bearing one of three very specific gifts to the table:
- Friendship
- Effort
- Money
Ideally, you’d bring the first two, but the third is probably enough if you execute correctly. Let’s explore each.
Seeking Nerd Help
The best way to ensure success here is to act preemptively. If you befriend your local nerd, show some genuine interest in whatever weird thing he’s into, he’ll be much more likely to help you out when you’re in a pickle. I’m not suggesting that you just chat it up with the guy occasionally as a disingenuous “insurance policy”. I’m saying that you should really try to make friends. You don’t have to have a weekly pizza dinner or accompany the guy to NerdCon or whatever, but try to take it beyond “Howdy, nerdo!” when you see him at the post office. Besides, if you’re not being genuine, he’ll probably know it and just think you’re a dick.
Assuming you haven’t had time to properly foster a legitimate friendship with the nerd when your hour of need arrives, he’s going to expect you to have tried to fix the problem yourself first. This is very, very important. If an acquaintance calls me up and asks me to help them figure out why their microwave can’t access Twitter or something and they’ve clearly made zero effort in finding their own solution, then I’ll probably be washing my hair. Reason being, if you don’t give enough of a crap to try to rectify your own situation, then neither does he. Effort shows that you’re (albeit clumsily) committed to getting the problem sorted out and have only come to him out of necessity, not laziness.
Now, if you don’t have a nerdy friend or simply don’t care enough about making TwitterWave 1000 working to try to hack on it yourself, you can always get a nerd on the horn and offer him a few bucks to take a crack at your problem. There are lots of in-person tech support companies out there, so finding a suitable nerd to take your money shouldn’t be a huge issue unless you’re surrounded on all sides by acres of soy (in which case you’re kinda out of luck, I’m afraid).
When in the Presence
One way or another, you’ve managed to recruit Mr. Nerd Pants to take a gander at what’s vexing you. Excellent. What follows is a list of things you should absolutely do if you want everybody to leave happily and, hopefully, every problem fixed.
- Leave the guy alone. I can tell you from personal experience that there’s nothing more annoying than somebody chatting you up while you’re trying to fix their crap. It’s a natural inclination, sure — you want to be friendly and maybe make the situation a little less bothersome (particularly if El Nerdo is doing you a favor and not being paid). Trouble is, that’s pretty much exactly the opposite of what he wants. No matter whether the problem is simple or difficult, the last thing he wants is his attention divided. Explain the problem, what you did to try to solve it and offer him a frosty beverage. Then, shut up.
- Answer his questions honestly. If he asks you if you spilled a hot cup of coffee into the exhaust fan and you did, then tell him yes. This is along the lines of lying to your doctor; giving the most correct information you can is the fastest way to get to the bottom of the problem and lying does nothing more than prolong the process and bug the crap out of the guy helping you out. Even if you thought spoonfuls of banana baby food were what belonged in the DVD drive, he might even appreciate the effort you put forth in solving your own problem (misguided though it may have been). Just tell him.
- If he tells you he needs you to buy or otherwise procure something that’s financially trivial to acquire, do it and don’t make excuses. If he’s sitting in front of your computer and confidently informs you that fixing the problem is going to require the purchase of a tire iron and a tube of Preparation H, then get it done. Nothing’s worse than having a weekend warrior demanding to know why such and such item is needed to fix something when they could pay for it using the money lodged between their sofa cushions.
- Accept his diagnosis. This is related to the previous point in that, many times, the proper course of action involves either taking the patient to a specialist (with special diagnostic and repair equipment commensurate with his/her hourly rate) or the purchase of a relatively expensive replacement part. Obviously, he has much less interest in your computer functioning than you do and, in all likelihood, isn’t trying to ruin your day. If he says you need a new hard drive that will cost you $100, then decide whether that’s something you can afford. Asking him to “try a little harder” or “take a different approach” will only enrage your dorky friend and ensure that he’ll be inexplicably busy the next time your keyboard starts sparking like a low-rent pyrotechnic show.
Afterglow
At this point, one of three things has happened:
- Your equipment is fixed.
- Your equipment is not fixed, but you’ve been instructed as to either what you need to buy or to whom you need to take the machine to have it fixed.
- Your equipment is not fixed and Captain Nerd hasn’t the first clue in the world what the problem is. Yes, this does happen.
Irrespective of which of the above outcomes has been reached, one thing is true: your nerd has spent some time working on your stuff. I know it’s easy to be blinded to this fact if he wasn’t able to resolve your issue, but the fact remains that a portion of his Saturday afternoon is now in the can. Appreciate this. Verbally. If he’s not being paid and you have the means, you might even consider giving him a few unexpected greenbacks for his time. Either way, if Sgt. Awkward walks away feeling like his time and talent are appreciated, that just makes the world better for everybody and it increases your chances of a repeat visit exponentially.
Remember that a nerd’s self-image, in large part, stands or falls based on his confidence in his technical chops. If he wasn’t able to get your printer working, chances are he’s a little miffed about it, as well.
Another common mistake people make when they’ve managed to get a nerd to look at the problem is expect the guy/gal to care as much as you do about it working. If he’s out of of ideas and the problem still isn’t fixed, don’t make him feel like he has to go home and research your crap before coming back for round two. If he wants to, fine, but expecting him to keep coming around until everything’s sorted out is as presumptuous as it is disrespectful of the dweeb’s time. Let him offer and, unless you’re willing to grease his palm a little, if he doesn’t, let him leave and thank him all the way out to his mom’s Honda.
Nerds are quirky folks (also, as it turns out, water is wet). To successfully recruit a qualified nerd to help you out takes both finesse and humility, but it also requires you know who you’re dealing with and how best to deal with them.
Photo by billycon11
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