I dropped out of Junior College after three semesters in 1999. My software development education has consisted of exactly two classes — Intro to Java and Intro to C++ — but I’ve been a professional software developer for about 8 years now. Ten years ago, I bought books, annoyed smart people with questions and generally fumbled my way into a passable set of programming skills. Truth be told, I’ve never felt much like a “real” programmer.
During the first half of last year, I wrote about 20,000 words about a piece of software that I really love. A good friend compiled these words into an attractive document and I offered it to strangers in exchange for money. It’s been a very successful venture, but I’ve never felt like a real author despite the fact that I’ve sold more copies of my ebook than many “real” (read: published) authors have of theirs (I’m told).
Whenever I bring up any of these whiny, white-guy observations in the company of friends, they remind me that the fact that I’ve been paid money for either of these two activities legitimizes them as “real” professions. I find this point somewhat difficult to argue, but I still can’t shake the nagging voice in my head that constantly let’s me know that, yep, I’m a big old hack who faked it until he made it and who happened to push his chips into the middle just when his lucky number was about to come up.
It’s not my intention to sound like a big jerk who’s shedding self-interested tears directly onto his big ass plate of success. But, the simple fact is that I have some weird neurosis in my brain that’s trying like hell to maintain this pattern of self-deprecation.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and I think I’ve figured it out.
Historically, a great many professions were available only to those who had completed the proper prerequisites. You don’t get to call yourself a medical doctor until you’ve finished medical school, passed a buttload of exams and received a certification from some group of other doctors. Same deal for lawyers. Cops, too. Not every profession worked this way, obviously, but many of them did.
Up until a few years ago, I imagine that for somebody to introduce herself as an author at a cocktail party or whatever, she’d need to have had her work reviewed and found worthy by a group of what I’ll succinctly refer to as “publishers”. It’s different now, though. Any jackass with a computer and an Internet connection can plunk out a few thousand words, compile it crudely into a sharable format, slap a price tag on the front and then, all of a sudden, he’s an author.
Maybe it’s the traditional publisher thing that has me gummed up here. It’d be hard to argue a lady isn’t an author if I can walk into Borders and find a copy of her book on the shelf. But if a guy shook my hand and told me he was an author and that I could buy his ebook at SEOKnob.com, it wouldn’t feel the same, even if he had sold more copies of his thing than Borders lady and had a much more expensive set of veneers.
My problem is that I still (wrongly, I think) feel like until a group of strangers have dubbed you [profession], then you’re just a joker - an underachiever that didn’t have the chops to get there the “old-fashioned” way and did his own goofy thing instead.
I realize that technology has fundamentally changed the way media is produced and delivered. I further realize that it’s possible to get very creative with how one makes a living these days and that folks no longer need “permission” from publishers or literary agents or dev team managers to make something and hang up your shingle. More accurately, my head realizes that.
I feel like I’m rambling here, but does this resonate with anybody? Am I just being an overly-introspective caucasian male about all this?
Photo by daemonsquire
I’ve had the same set of observations in slightly different field: photography.
Traditionally, to be a “pro” photographer, one went to school and got a degree in fine art or one cut their teeth by doing lots of assistant work for other pros or a newspaper or such. There was a significant knowledge barrier to entry and self-teaching wasn’t much of an option. Equipment was expensive: to produce photos on par with pros one needed lots of expensive equipment (cameras, a darkroom, chemicals, and a lot of film).
Then digital photography happened. Today’s $1000 DSLR can produce photos for almost any use. The internet has made it very easy to learn photography for free or on a very limited budget. Photoshop Elements ($79) can replace a darkroom full of chemicals.
The old pros are freaking out about the damn kids and their newfangled computer stuff. Those kids aren’t real photographers, or so I’ve been told.
I sometimes feel the same way too. I think if comes from practicing your passion, or something you have a talent for. People have called me a success as well, and it doesn’t seem like I did anything to deserve success. I just suit up (literally, often times!), show up, and make what seems to me to be obvious suggestions. I guess that is how you know you found your talent, if it seems easy to you and obvious, but people pay you for it anyways….
And yes, having seen LOTS of “professionals” make no damn money at all, if someone is paying you for what you are doing, you are a professional. In our firm, we have a rule: If you have done it once, you have experience in it, if you have done it twice, you are an expert!
The terms “professional” and even “author” are purely conceptual. They have no meaning in the objective world. Their meaning is given either by some cultural context or they are purely subjective. As our cultural context changes at an accelerating rate trying to relate to terms like these is a guaranteed source of unhappiness. You are a writer because you write. You are a programmer because you create programs. You are successful because you’re making a living doing what you want to do. Fuck the rest of it.
Self-deprecation is a defense mechanism — I think. Believe me, I am my own worst enemy and critic when it comes to my own success. I won a writing award in college ($500) woohoo, right? Wrong. As soon as I won, I wanted to know how many contenders I was up against. The number doesn’t even matter, it could have been 12 or 1200 (it was 12). Bottom line, I wouldn’t let myself enjoy the award. I would really like to start getting over this way of thinking — it’s a road block.
Brett, you’re an inspiration, a great family-man and friend. In the end, that will probably suit you just fine.
One thing you’ve got to remember - a lot of those formal barriers were created artificially to restrict the number of people who were practicing certain professions. There’s no need, in most “professions”, to have any particular amount of formal education - those bits of sheepskin or paper with ink on them really do nothing to vouch for your ability to do a given job.
The interesting point you bump up against is that some professions that used to have formal gatekeepers no longer do, in no small part thanks to the Internet and technology in general. Being the libertarian capitalist pig that I am, I think it’s a good thing - barriers to entry in most professions or industries generally limit competition and are worse for the consumers of the output of that profession or industry.
Don’t think of yourself as ‘faking it until you make it’, think of yourself as a participant in a bold experiment on economic theory (I *think* that sounds better!).
Yes it resonates, and it’s sure not just men. It’s a I-came-into-this-sideways thing. I have puh-lenty of computer science experience, but it wasn’t my passion, it turns out. Anything you’e got the drive to figure out for yourself counts. I’m working on “artist” and that word still stops in my throat as I try to choke it out. There’s always the go-back-to-school route, but right now I’m happy doing, and you sound like you’ve got a lot of doing going on.
No, makes sense. I have a background in classical flute performance. And even though I haven’t touched my flute since October (!), I still feel more like a musician than a writer, even though writing brought me a wee bit of cash lately and fluting ain’t done brought me none. I don’t have it in me to return to school for “official” training; “doing” my sons’ elementary school homework with them is plenty, thankyouverymuch. So I’m learning on the job, trusting myself that it’s a self-taught apprenticeship, and just whistling louder than the critic in my head.
You have no idea how well this resonates with me. I became a programmer simple because the person who ran that department at the company i worked at, liked me and thought I would fit in well. I had never written a line of code. My friends have far more respect for my code, my knowledge and me, than I do. I still feel like a pretender even after years of programming.
I suspect you are a lot more pessimistic than you think you are. Read “Learned Optimism” by Dr. Martin Seligman. You can do the test from one of the early chapters online: http://www.stanford.edu/class/msande271/onlinetools/LearnedOpt.html
PS I’ve been a professional software developer for about 15 years now, with a similar lack of official qualifications.
Good stuff man, I hear ya.
I took a C++ class in high school and then got a degree in physics because I had no idea what I wanted to do. Then I graduated, still had no idea what I wanted to do, decided that that C++ stuff in high school had been fun… 7 years later and I suppose I am now a professional with really only one class in my profession (oh wait, there was a FORTRAN class in college as well). I didn’t even buy many books, Google was my main “resource”.
Sounds like I should get started on my inspirational book =)
From where I sit, you are both an author and a programmer. But, I completely relate to your struggle.
I think what’s more important to keep in mind is that you are a provider. You’ve simply figured out creative ways to provide for your family. No one can doubt that.
Yes you are whining and being somewhat of neurotic white boy. If you’re getting paid, published, and been in a field for 8 years, you are a professional…Get over it.
If you seek the applause that you too have a degree, go back to school and get one! It’s not that deep and trust me, I”m sure you can find other items to take up neurotic thought that are much more worthwhile.
I’ve fed my family and kept a roof over our heads for nearly 20 years as an award-winning journalist — and always felt like a fake because I don’t have a degree.
Brett, if you need any help with self-publishing or read further thoughts about it, I would suggest checking out http://www.michaelhyatt.com. Michael is the Chairman and former CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers and has written many blog posts and I believe a book on self-publishing. Hope this helps.